


It's all about concentration

by Fulbrn



Category: Free!
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Confinement, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Fluff, M/M, Physical Abuse, brokenharu, macquerelandvideogames, puppyeyesmakoto, realitydisconnection, swimclub, twoyearsaftereternalsummer, unrequitedlove, wateringerman
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-05-20 03:30:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5990350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fulbrn/pseuds/Fulbrn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been a while since the five of the Iwatobi's Swim Club went through the final exams, and they are all enjoying their major students years.<br/>Thinking about it, it has been a while since Makoto had news about them all.<br/>But, more importantly there is Haru.<br/>Well.<br/>There is Haru since three days, in his student apartment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. To clear up things.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic posted on the internet!  
> Hope it'll be fun!  
> (btw i'm french, so my syntax might be little weird)
> 
> Just to say, I didn't mean to write such a story in the beginning.  
> At first it was supposed to be a little fancy sex scene while playing videogames, destined to one of my friend.  
> But eh, looks like I've been carried away!
> 
> I know makoxharu can be a little too cheesy, so without even warning me my imagination took a sad path. But it will be okay guys! These babies will be fine!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto Tachibana, just thinking about his friends.

 

It has been a while since the five of the Iwatobi's Swim Club went through the final exams, and they are all enjoying their major students years.

Rei and Nagisa are living together, performing on a hand science and historical studies for Rei and in the other literature and surprisingly maths for Nagisa, in some big college at Nagoya, the nearest city from Iwatobi.

Gou took a little job for the year, to take a break and think about her future. She takes care of people who want to train themselves, in a little sport club in Iwatobi.

Sousuke's surgery took place two years ago, and he succeed in having a full recovery of his shoulder traction. But he can't swim anymore so he decided to travel a bit, to have an idea of what he can do with his life.

It was a big matter for Rin, who decided to go to Tokyo to train hard on swimming for the olympics. The shark boy insisted that Sousuke must stay within the capital (« to seek for a new passion ») but the big dark haired boy chose to go away, at least for less than 6 months, the longest period he succeed to bargain with Rin.

Nitori first became the captain in Samezuka, fulfilling his duty and the last wish of his beloved senpai. Now he became some kind of freeter, and nobody as recent information about him. Actually he kind of disappeared.

 

Thinking about it, it has been a while since Makoto had news about them all. Sometimes he wonders about it, and asks himself if they don't talk because they don't have time, or if it's because they don't even think about each other. When he comes to this conclusion he usually figures out a few seconds later that he is thinking about them, right now, so he feels it might be the same for his old friends, and it is just a matter of taking the time to do it.

As he said during the last summer they all spent together, the gentle guy went also to Tokyo, studying hard to be a swimming instructor.

He does enjoy college, he likes his subjects of studies, the campus is really large and calm, and the library is gigantic.

And he doesn't feel as alone as expected. Actually he made a few friends, including squirrels, cats, one surprisingly sympathetic crow, some interesting otaku girls, and an over excited guy of one year his kouhai.

But, more importantly there is Haru.

Well.

There is Haru since three days, in his student apartment.

 

\--------------- 

 

To tell the truth, they were supposed to be separated after their final exams at Iwatobi, and don't see each other for years. And it all started as it was plannedMakoto moved to Tokyo on the early beginning of the holidays, to assure his apartment with a student job he found to help his parents toward the budget of his brand new student's life.

On his side, Haru went abroad to see his parents during the holidays. At the end of this period, he engaged in a high training swimming club to go through the olympics. Unfortunately, he had a lot of trouble with this club, so he was forced to leave. After a long time doing who-knows-what around Iwatobi he found a place in a swimming club of Tokyo. He spent two months in this club and then one day suddenly quit, for which appears no reasons. And went directly to the only place he could think about, his best friend's apartment.

Makoto learned all this vague details only this morning, after Haru decided to talk for the first time since he arrived at his place. But since he had to hurry to one of the important tests of the year, Makoto couldn’t sit, listen and talk about Haru’s situation properly. Actually his feelings were quite moved by the new situation all day long, and his concentration was not on the right spot. So, after a missed test (result based on pure hypothetical beliefs), he headed back home by taking a longer path than usual.

He needed to think about it.

About all of it.

 

He always have been by the side of Haru, and Makoto never really considered the possibility to be apart from the waterboy. And, at the end of their last summer together, they both feared this moment of separation which is collegehood. But the brown haired guy never expected it to be so harsh, or even so fast.

He remembers clearly the eve of his departure, when Haru asked him suddenly to spent the night with him. After having waited for Ran and Ren to fall asleep, Makoto told his parents he had to see his best friend before he go, and, being comprehensive, they lets him leave for the night.

They spent the all night cuddling and crying. Haru surprisingly showing a lot of emotions, like frustration, fear, and sadness, was really impressive by his sudden need of physical contact. They made a lot of unfulfilled promises as staying in contact, see each other as often as possible, and don’t give up on their friendship. As he had to leave early in the morning, and as they didn’t slept a lot, the gentle guy went away silently, trying not to wake his precious friend. He was quite chocked by what happened that night, and couldn’t put himself together during the travel from his hometown to Tokyo.

 

To tell the truth, Makoto felt really guilty for a while after this bizarre event. Not just because he left without waking up Haru, but most of all because he simply left and provoqued all kind of new emotions on the face of his placid friend.  It took a few months before he could fully live with his choices.

They succeed to keep contact for a little while, texting every day, then every week, then time to time, and finally Haru went abroad and didn’t sent news anymore. The chestnut haired guy tried to skype with his best friend but he never accepted his invitations.

With his student job, Makoto couldn’t go back at Iwatobi in a while, and when he succeed to do it, Ran and Ren had grown up, Haru was in another country, and the others weren’t here. At least he met Gou, which gave him all the information he know about the others.

 

Makoto sighed. Something about all of it felt ironical, sour. He thought that maybe, somewhere, he didn’t want to remember that. To even think about all this situation.

But Haru was back.

And Makoto needed answers, to clear up things.

 

As it started to colden outside, Makoto, not as calmed as he wanted to, decided to head back home.


	2. Steam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to discuss seriously with Haru.  
> But what if he can't talk? (literally speaking)

“I’m home.”

No answer.

 

“I’M HOME!”

Still no answer.

 

The green eyed boy started to feel anxious. What if Haru has gone? And if so, why so suddenly?

He rushed inside the tiny apartment.

“Haru? Are you here?”

As he arrived in the main room, which was empty, he couldn’t help but notice the highly strong and nice smell of his body shampoo melted with hot water.

Ok. In the bathroom.

 

He knocked softly at the unlocked door.

“Haru? Are you alright?”

 

No response.

“I’m coming in.”

 

As he slowly open the door, a big hot steamy cloud come across his face, surprising him and blurring his view.

There was so much steam that the tall guy started to cough. He came in a hurry aside the bathtube, finding his precious friend unconscious, the nose on the verge to go under water.

“What the ..! HARU!!!”

 

As fast as the speed of light, he remembered his safety moves, which he didn’t expected to use so soon. It took less than a minute before he put Haru’s body on a safe place and position. As he breathed to calm down and put his mind together, he couldn’t help but observe the view the accident had to offer to his eyes and feelings.

The waterboy was all naked and shaking, the skin all red from a too long exposure to hot water. He was sweating and seemed to suffer, even if his face wasn’t showing any expressions. Makoto, as he quickly dried his friend’s skin and hair, felt his anxiety growing bigger when he noticed some bruises all over the blue eyed boy’s body.

He knew things didn’t go well in his precedent club, but he’d never thought of that. Maybe it was linked with his present state, he thought naturally. But as to protect his mind, already fragilized by the current situation, the tall guy push this scary thought as far as he could.

As he finished to dress the unconscious boy with comfy clothes and cover him a warm blanket, Makoto noticed that he lacked of medicine for fever. He realised he might be obliged to go outside and leave Haru all alone for a while. He came back aside to his friend for check out. Makoto thought it would be great if his friend went back to consciousness, even for a little time, to see his needs and clarify his dolor state. Like this it could be faster outside, not wasting time on searching what he needs.

 

\--------------------

 

Makoto quietly sat down near the couch. He gently tooked the hot and sweaty hand of the sleeping boy. It was shaking.

Then, clearly but smoothly he said: “Haru can you hear me? It’s me, Makoto. If you hear me, please, squeeze my hand.”

Then he felt a weak, but present, little squeezing around his fingers. A tiny smile of relievement come across his mouth.

“The strength of a baby...” He thought.

Ok, next step then.

 

“Haru, can you move your arm? If so, please show me the places where you feel pain.”

Still squeezing the big guy’s hand, Haru slowly moved their hands on his head, his eyebrows starting to frown.

“Obviously. You have a fever.” Said Makoto.

And after a few seconds, the harmed boy lend the hand of his friend to his throat and then to the torso, just above his heart.

“He feels sick? What is it?” as Makoto thought this, he suddenly felt the breath and heartbeat of his friend going faster, noticing a change on his facial expression.

Haru’s face was all red, showing a lot of sudden pain. Little drops of tears started to show on the corner of his eyes and has he couldn’t move much, he squeezed really strongly Makoto’s hand.

 

“Ma...Makoto...” he tried to say in a whine. His breath went faster.

“Please! Calm down. Don’t try to speak. Try to take big and long breath.”

Haru’s tears went bigger and he seemed to have difficulties to regulate his voice.

“I’m… I’m so… hugh… so… rry… hu… huff...”

“Haru… ”

 

Makoto was chocked. What on earth could have happened to put his best friend on such an extreme state? Haru was clearly experimenting high anxiety and depression. The big guy felt a big squeeze in his chest. He not only felt sorry, but also very sad, feeling powerless in front of such distress. Also, he understood the need of his friend to cry with all his heart, and naturally proposed himself as a shelter for the broken soul.

The green eyed guy went above his friend, surrounding him with his large shoulders and put lightly his strong arms around the crying boy’s neck. As Makoto pressed his chest against his friend’s, trying to help regulate his breath, he quietly whispered in Haru’s ear.

“It’s okay to cry. Cry with all your heart until you have no more water nor voice to do it. I’m here now Haru, you’re not alone anymore.”

 

Feeling the head of his precious friend going further in his neck, his shaking arms hooked with strength around the big guy’s back, fingers firmly attached to his shirt, Makoto couldn’t help but respond with a strong hold, full of emotions. He wanted Haru to feel his presence, his understanding and his will of being a calming spot.

As Haru began to cry for real, doing embarrassing noises and whines, Makoto couldn’t help but softly caress his friend head, trying to relax the headache. Haru was still pretty hot from fever.

  
“I’ll go get that medicine later.” Makoto thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, we're entering the sad zone.  
> Prepare yourself.


	3. What time is it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's walk a bit in Haruka's mind.

The sun was already high when Haru opened his eyes. Blinded by the sweet ray of light, which was slicing through the room from the window to his couch, he numbly put the back of his left hand on his blue eyes. With a quick glance, he checked his watch. It stated 1:53 PM.

This was way too early.

His head was still hurting him and he was aching from the past evening.

He noticed that he was smelling sweaty and dry heaving. But he didn’t care much.

 “I need more sleep.” he thought.

 

He slowly breathed out. To relax. The room around him was empty of any sound. It was warm. There was a nice and colored smell. It was lightful. Calm. Since he came to this place, he couldn’t help but thinks all the time “Makoto like.” Actually, in a way, this place was really reassuring to him. It was like bringing back feelings and sensations out from the past, to put them all in the same location point. It brought back to Haru all these nice memories about his best friend, when he felt protected and knew he could always count on him when he felt bad. His comforting smile, understanding gaze and words. Well, did they even needed words?

At least they needed it when they were far away from each other. When _he_ abandoned him. When he needed him the most. When he was struggling with…

His body started to shake and he felt nauseous.

“No. Calm down. Sleep. I must sleep.” Haru thought. And he took a big breath.

 

As he turned himself to warm up in the blanket he came face to face to a glass of water, a box of medicines for fever and what it seemed to be a note. Haru closed his eyes, frowned, and let his hoarse voice crackle in a short breath.

“...Makoto ...Dumb.”

 

Haruka was trying to sleep, he really tried to, he wanted to. If he could sleep all day and all night it would be easier. But he simply couldn’t. His head was too heavy. From the headache but also from the thoughts. It was noisy. Loud. All his memories hitting his mind like trucks, each time he tries to relax. After having tried diverse sleeping positions, he gave up. As fast as his body could permit it, he sat down and took the medicine’s box, to make his mind busy with the notice.

A couple of minutes passed before he understood he didn’t succeed to actually read the notice. It was just symbols going through his eyes, going nowhere into his mind. It was just repeating the same sentence, over and over, and the headache became suddenly stronger.

 

When he took one of the pills, and moved his hand to the glass of water, he touched something quite cold. It surprised him so he made a big, clumsy move, which spilled the glass of water. He tried in a hurry to clean up things, but it was too late.

“What a waste of water” Haruka thought.

He put the medicine out of his mouth and looked at the accident scene.

An empty glass, water everywhere. On the floor, on the carpet, on the tube of a soothing cream and on the note. On the tube of a soothing cream?

Haruka checked the tube : “Apply on bruises, marks, light burnings. For dermal application only. Do not eat.” When he ended up reading the few words, his eyes were wide open. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK.

Makoto noticed it. It is not good. Not good at all. He doesn’t need to know these details. He doesn’t need to see them. He doesn’t need to imagine them.

He went back to Makoto but he never intend to tell him the full story. He just wanted to go back to the everyday life he missed so much. He just wanted to...

The stress went suddenly back. His anxiety hit him as fast and as strong as lightning, shocking all his muscles, turning his stomach upside down. Used to the situation, Haruka stood up quickly and rushed into the bathroom. He went in front of the toilets, ready to puke.

 

But the last time he ate was more than twenty four hours ago, and he didn't drank much too. So it hurted much more than usual, and it took longer to stop.

After the storm passed he numbly stood up and went to the bathroom sink to drink water, take the medicine which was still in his hand, and wash his face.

When he finished to dry his face with a really soft and nice smelling towel, he looked in the mirror.

When his tired gaze went across his reflection, he had a little sigh. He felt like it has been decades since he had seen this peculiar face of his. It was like rediscovering his face all over again, the shape of his chin, the ankles of his jaw and the tone of his eyes.

 

 

\--------------

 

 

Haruka wasn’t remembering well the past days spent in Makoto’s apartment. What he remembered clearly was the cold and humid weather when he walked to his friend place. He remembered the rain drops falling through his humid hair and beard, his hoodie all burdened by rain water. He remembered that he nearly fell on a slippery stair. He remembered the wait in front of his friend’s door and his melted burning thoughts urging in his mind : “Should I go? What I am even doing here? Is he even here? What if he doesn't want me to stay? What if he had forgotten me? What if...”

He remembers the face of his friend when he opened the door. A complicated mix between surprise, shock and worries. But as usual, Makoto quickly faded this strange picture of himself into a reassuring and comprehensive smile.

And without any words he invited Haru inside.

 

After that the memories are confused. The blue eyed boy didn’t know if it was because his mind felt safe but it seems his brain thought there was no need anymore to record the events. He has blurry traces of sensations but that's all.

He vaguely remembers a global warmness. Water.

He remembers the pressure of a hand on his throat when being shaved. He remembers the scissors’ sound behind his ears and the light cold on his neck. He remembers the nice smell of clean clothes. He remembers the warmth of a blanket. And that is all.

 

When he woke up for the first time since his arrival, a doctor was here checking him. He had cold hands. Haruka didn’t want to show his regain of consciousness so he let his eyes closed. He was feeling woozy anyway. As he was on the verge to sleep again he heard a little of the conversation between the doctor and his best friend.

“[...] He might be […] a little injection. [...] He can stay […] will be okay. [...] But you did well by calling.”

“[...] He was sleeping for two days… worried.”

“[...] Make sure not to feed […] too much or too fast […] be sick. [...] Call me if there is any problem.

 

When Haru woke up for the second time, it was early on the morning of the third day. He woke up by the smell of breakfast.

When he slowly tried to sit, he noticed the appetizing dish in front of his couch.

It seemed to still be hot. When he approached the dish and began to prepare himself to eat, Makoto went suddenly between him and the precious food, looking at him with an accusative look.

“Don't you dare to eat before even telling me why you are in such state.”

 

Haruka thought about the old times, and tried a cannot-fail technique. He took his most assured gaze and said “This is mackerel. Mackerel can't wait.”

Makoto sighed and looked at him with his doggy eyes. “Yeah, I know this is mackerel, I knew it would wake you up. But I think about that since two days, mackerel can wait two more minutes. Please. Haru.”

The hungry boy knew it would be all about gaze battle. They looked at each other for a while. And then Makoto turned his eyes to have a look at his watch.

“Okay, time's up.”

He took the dish in his hand and stood up to walk in the kitchen.

“No mackerel for you, I'll give it to my kitty friend on the way to university. It is too bad for you. Haru... -chan.” DID HE DARE SAY THAT WITH A COCKY SMILE? Haruka felt annoyed, but amused too. It felt just like the old days.

He cleared his throat and said as loud as he could “Okay, I get it, I am going to tell you. Sit back and bring the food with you.”

He heard the steps of his friend coming closer, and prepared himself to savor the amazing food his stomach couldn't wait to devour. Makoto went in the room, putting his coat on, and looking at him with a sorry face.

He put quickly the dish on the table and said “I'm sorry Haru, actually I don't have any time. I'll be late to my test if I sit back with you. Don't eat too fast or too much please. Enjoy the meal.”

“Makoto...”

 

As the green eyed boy was heading to the door, putting his shoes on, Haru thought he kind of deserved to know. Even a little bit. Even if it was a little modified.

He said in a hurry, much louder than he wanted “I can tell you quickly.”

Makoto, turning himself to be able to see his friend, checked his watch again. Crossing his arms he said “You have one minute.”

Haru took a big breath to say the sentences he have been preparing for weeks for this exact moment. It is not like he wanted to use much words too.

“As you know, the summer you left, I've been abroad to see my parents. There, I've been in a high training club to prepare for the olympics but he didn't go as well as I expected and I went away. Then I did nothing in particular and I came to Tokyo to swim again, in a club. But I got bored, so I left it and came to your place.”

There it is. The perfect I-didn't-gave-any-news-for-almost-two-years alibi. Actually Haruka wasn't lying. He just avoided the details. All the unneeded details. Now he said it he could concentrate on his so delicious fish which seems to whisper to his ears “Eat me, Haruka-sen…” But then the sound of Makoto's voice hit the air like a slash. His tone was much more heavy than usual.

 

“For how long have you been in Tokyo?”

‘Uh. Shit. I didn't thought about this one.’  Haruka thought. Since he didn't prepared it at all he didn't succeed to lie on this one.

“Around five months? I spent two months in that club I left. But I...”

“Okay. Bye.”

And then Haru eared the sound of the door being opened and closed in a rush. There was no sound in the room. It felt really lonely. ‘He must hate me now.’ Thought the blue eyed boy.

 

‘I'm the worst.’

 

 

\----------------

 

 

“Yeah I’m truly the worst.” whispered Haruka. He looked again in the mirror and sighed. He wasn’t a gift, arriving like this in his best friend’s everyday life, being a burden, a source of worries. He knew that. But what could he do? It was the best solution.

His headache was gone. Maybe since he felt a little better he could do something for Makoto. He could tidy his apartment or wash the dishes. Maybe he could go shopping and prepare dinner. Yeah, that was a good idea. To show that he felt thankful.

 

He started to prepare to go outside. He went to put his jacket on, which was dry and clean. The weather was nice. He felt happy being outside for a good reason. A valuable purpose. He wasn’t scared to affront people anymore. Buying the food went well, it felt like an easy task. The way back home was pleasant too. When he arrived in the main room, he noticed he didn’t clean up the spilled glass of water. So before starting to cook, he tidies up the room he occupied. He checked his watch. 5:26 PM. Ok, Makoto should be on his way home soon, he must start to cook.

When he started to wash the dishes, the water was already boiling. He put the freshly cut vegetables in it, and started to cut the meat. Today is a special day, so he intended to prepare his best friend’s favorite dish. It started to smell good in all of the apartment. Haru felt happy and satisfied. He was quite excited by imagining his friend reaction. It might be something like “I’m ho-... Whoah! Haru why does it smell so good in there?”

Suddenly, the sound of an opening door.

‘Great, he is finally there.’ thought the blue eyed boy.

 

“I’m ho-... Whoah! Why is it so dark in there? Haru?”

Sound of stuff putted in urge on the floor.

An heavy and fast walk on the wooden floor.

“Don’t tell me you’re in this bathroom again.”

The door being violently slammed.

“... Haru… What the fuck are you doing here? It’s all dark, did you just wake up?”

Haru looked at the mirror. He saw his reflection, and then concentrate on the shape of his friend, lightly appearing in the shadow of the bathroom entrance.

 

“Makoto… What time is it?”

“ It is more than 8 pm. I told you in the note I let you that I’ll be home late this evening due to extra lessons. Don’t tell me you’ve been… ”

More than 8 pm. Haruka wasn’t listening to his best friend voice anymore.

All he could hear was his inner voice repeating constantly ‘Shit. It happened again.’


	4. I hope you don't hate me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto have a plan to handle the situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like my chapters are growing longer at each new chapter. （￣□￣；）

“Haru.” said Makoto grabbing calmly the shaking shoulders of his friend.

“Please listen to my voice and stop spacing out.” He waited a moment and tried to catch the gaze of the lost boy.

“Now, are you listening?”

Haruka lifted his face and nodded slowly. He looked in the eyes of Makoto, and seemed totally desperate.

‘Well, it’s a good start’ The big guy thought.

 

“Ok. I will tell you something really important, so I hope you are listening.” He concentrated and tried to have the most reassuring gaze he can give to his friend.

“So... Haruka. I don’t know what you’ve been through and I don’t know what is happening in your mind. All I can see is that you seem lost, and your health is bad. And I can’t stay here and act like it’s nothing, okay? I mean, I can’t let you be in such state, as your... “ he hesitates about the word ‘best’  “... friend. I can’t help but try to change the situation here. I’m sure you didn’t intend to make it happen by coming at my place, but I’m worried about you.”

Haruka started to give signals of annoyance and confused thoughts. He also started to shake again. Makoto thought he had to act fast on this one. He quickly put his arms around the back of the blue-eyed boy, putting his right palm on the dark hair, inviting the head of his friend inside his collarbone. Then, as he felt Haruka muscles starting to tense, he said calmly to his ear.

“I might be worried but I’m fine, it’s not your fault. Understood?” Then Makoto waited a little Haru relaxes. And then, putting him away from his body, holding him by the shoulders, he said with a smile.

“We should get started making dinner right? I’m super hungry! What do you want to eat? I think I still have some mackerel in the fridge… Will it be good for you?”

After a few seconds Haruka said in a small voice “... Mackerel is fine.”

“Okay! Then you should start preparing it, you do it better than me. I’ll take care of washing the dishes, and I’ll cut the veggies. Sounds good to you?” Haruka noded quietly.

'Well, that makes something done.’ Makoto thought.

 

\----------

 

When he was cutting the vegetables, he couldn’t help but concentrate on Haruka actions. He was quietly watching his friend, observing him with all his attention. Haru seemed to struggle a bit with his movements, and was numbly using his cooking tools. But as expected he showed no expression of discomfort. ‘Of course you won't show me you need help. And I won't help you on this until you start hurting yourself.'

 

Makoto was fully aware of his position and how he should act with his friend. He knew Haruka was a proud person, and that wasn't the moment to remember him how currently weak he was. Actually his main goal for the moment was restoring the global health of his friend. He knew he couldn't get any important informations and improvements until Haruka felt confident again and secured.

What he didn't know is how he could consider his strong need of helping Haru. He was wondering a lot about his actions, and was afraid that it was only on an interested purpose. Makoto was always confused by the sudden return of his friend. It's not like he doesn't like it, he really missed him. But, it feels weird because the Haru in front of him was really different from the Haru he knew before, and loved.

It was a shock, first, to see how he changed physically when he came to his door for the time. He recognized him, because of the eyes, but that's all. He felt a little ashamed that one of his first reflex was to shave him and cut his hair because he couldn't stand such a view. And that's why Makoto had doubts about his intentions. He felt like it was all about a 'could not stand' feeling. That he had an urge to bring back the friend he had in the past. To him, the events of the night before were heartbreaking. How could he have become like this? What on earth could have transform him into such a mess? He felt like he was the worst to think like that. Haru was Haru, it didn't matter how he could have changed. But what is that heavy feeling into his chest?

“Makoto... How is it?” Haruka was in front of him, a piece of fresh and steamy cooked mackerel held buy chops, pointed in his direction. It surprised him a little, so he took clumsily the fish in his mouth and slightly burned his tongue.

“ Itch.. 'hood!” To Makoto it felt like tasting a flavour which had been directly transported from the past. It felt nice.

“Great.” And then Haru put the mackerel out of the fire and started to head to the table. Makoto brought the rest of the dinner, and they began to eat.

 

\-----------

  


When he finished to literally devour the food, Makoto decided to start with the next step. He let himself fall to the floor.

“Ahhhh, it really was tasty! Thank you Haru.” Haruka was passively watching the movie they put to have something to look at during dinning. He didn't eat much.

“Hm.” After a while, the big guy came back to a sitting position.

“Now that I think of it, what would you like to do tomorrow?” The blue eyed boy was still stuck to the screen.

“No idea. Won't you be busy with your lessons?”

“Actually, it is the weekend for me, and since I've passed all my exams for this month, I have plenty of time to spend with you.”

“Ok.” Makoto started to gather the dishes together.

“Actually I have a little idea of what we can do tomorrow, but I won't force you, so it is as you wish.” Haruka made a quick gesture with his head to the green-eyed boy, showing him he had all his attention.

 

“Well... Since they say tomorrow will be a warm and sunny day, I wanted to show you the park I usually spend time in. And since we will be outside, I'd also like to show you a tiny part of my campus. And maybe should I also present my friends to you?” The dark haired boy let his head down, expiring a long sigh.

“I don't know if I want to go out.”

Makoto went in the kitchen to put the dishes in the sink, and returned near to his friend, a new proposal in mind.

“What if we go out just in the park then? For less than an hour? And we go back here to play video games for all the afternoon?” Haruka looked at him with a tiny bit of interest glowing into his eyes.

“It depend of the game.”

'You're so easy to catch.' Makoto thought. As happy as a pup he went to his desk to take one of his video games magazine and showed the article he found in it a few days ago to Haru's sight.

“Remember this game we used to play a lot? The newest of the saga recently came out. I intended to buy it, but I didn't have the time to do it yet. Actually, I wanted to offer it to myself after the exam, as a mental reward. I never expected I could play it with you though! I'm really excited by the idea now! What about we buy it tomorrow?” Without turning his eyes from the article, Haru put his hand in the air for a high five.

 

“I'm in.”

  


\--------

  


When the movie finished, Makoto began to prepare the futon and the couch for them to sleep. It was already more than midnight, and he had a long day, he wanted to sleep as soon as possible. Haruka seemed a bit out of the place.

“What is it Haru?”

“Hm... Actually... I'd like to take a bath before sleeping, I feel kind of dirty.”

'Well since you were feverish last night, you did sweat a lot. And as you probably spaced out all day long, it's logical you didn't take care of yourself.' Makoto thought.

“Ok, I'll get it ready for you, you can finish to prepare the beds to wait.”

 

He was very careful with the temperature of the bath, trying to get as close as he remembered of the baths his friend used to take everyday. He felt really bad for what happened the day before. Haru likes lukewarm water. He loves it. His body is used to regulate its heat for this kind of temperature. Normally he doesn't support it well when it's warm, so it's normal his body cracked out when you see how hot was the bath of the other day. Makoto didn't want to imagine what went through the mind of his friend when he prepared himself such a hot bath. It would be meaningless to make himself sick of worries. He wouldn't be useful anymore. And Haru needed him. He had to be the strong one for now.

When Makoto went to the bag Haru had with himself, to search for a change of clothes for his friend, he noticed he already used all the clean clothes he brought with him. Which was basically nothing. How long did he intend to stay here? There was basically just a change for a couple of days.

“Ok. It's not the time to worry, stop asking yourself such questions. Focus.” Said Makoto to himself, trying to concentrate on what was important. He could have searched further into the bag, to get possible informations, but it didn't feel right, so he didn't do it. Then, after he took clothes out off his own closet, and put it carefully near a soft towel, he went out of the bathroom and put calmly his right hand on Haru's back.

 

“You can go, have a good time.” Haruka silently nod and went to the bathroom.

 

Makoto went in his futon, with the firm intention to sleep. He was so sleepy it started to ache. Apart from the new “Haru issue” he had to struggle with, there is also his everyday problems he have to deal with. It's not like nothing troublesome was already happening in his life. Reality didn't wait for Haru's come back to perturb the thoughts of the young man.

Makoto sighed. Why now? Why is everything falling apart at the exact same moment?

 

His phone vibrated. A SMS. He sat up to check it. He was feeling really nervous because he perfectly knew from whom it was.

“[00:53 - 04.27.16]

From: Minami-kun

// Heyyy~

// Sorry to send you this so late…

// But I couldn’t sleep.

// And I tried everything to do so but… (>_<)

// I just wanted you to know that I didn’t want to urge things earlier…

// And I hope you don’t hate me…

//

// I love you so much, I don’t want you to go away from me.”

 

His face went all red and his heartbeat went faster as he remembered what happened earlier in the evening.

“[00:56 - 04.27.16]

To: Minami-kun

// Don’t worry I wasn’t sleeping!

// I don’t hate you, it is just that you surprised me.

// I’m sorry I reacted this way.

// I love you too.”

 

Makoto took a big breath. His chest was burning inside. After all he didn’t have to feel guilty. It was normal that within two years without any news or contact from the waterboy, his feelings evolved. He met new and interesting people, it was quite normal he invested himself in some relationship with them. It was normal he found himself falling in love with somebody else. He is human. He can’t control these stuffs.

But why was he feeling so bad about it?

 

His phone vibrated again.

“[01:02 - 04.27.16]

From: Minami-kun

// Haha ~ ! So happy to read that (*^▽^*)

// Are you free tomorrow?

// I can’t wait to see you again senpai!”

 

“[01:04 - 04.27.16]

To: Minami-kun

// I’m sorry tomorrow, I can’t…

// But maybe we can see each other on sunday?

// And stop calling me senpai now, there is no need to.”

 

Immediate vibration.

“[01:05 - 04.27.16]

From: Minami-kun

// Ok! See you on sunday then!

// I’m letting you sleep for now.

// Have a good night. Makoto-kun <3”

 

Makoto felt a stupidly over happy smile on his face. And also a sudden weight on his shoulder, and the pressure of a warm body all along his right side.

 

\---------

 

“I remember this shirt.” The voice of Haru was really calm and soft. He seemed on the verge to fall asleep.

Makoto shut his phone down. His heart was pounding really fast from both surprise and embarrassment. It was too much at the same time. He had trouble keeping his voice on a normal tone.

“The shirt I lend you for tonight? The red one?”

“Yeah… It’s the one you bought when we last went shopping with the others…”

He didn’t thought of that at all when preparing the clothes.

“Now you say it…  it’s true. How did you even remember this?” Haruka went further against him. His hair was still humid from the bath and the drops of water began to pierce through the big guy’s t-shirt material.

“You were wearing it during the eve of the day of your departure.”

 

“... ”

 

Makoto slowly lied down, crossing his forearms against his face. It was too much for his tired mind. It was too much memories and feelings brought back suddenly from past. It was too much emotions. Too much contact. His heart was beating so fast it could burst. But he couldn’t cry in front of Haru. He had to be the strong one.

He had to shut the conversation down.

“We should sleep if we want to be able to survive tomorrow.”

“Hm.” Haru lied down too. And without any warnings he glued his body to Makoto’s one. After a moment he said really softly “The bath felt really good, thank you. It was at the perfect temperature, but I’m a little cold now.”

Makoto put his left palm on the humid hair, and started to roll to let the waterboy in his back.

“It’s because you didn’t dry it correctly.” He couldn’t stand the body heat of his first crush. He didn’t want his feelings to come back. Not now. Not this fast.

‘There. Now let’s sleep.’ the big guy thought.

 

But the waterboy started to put his right arm around Makoto’s chest and pushed his body harder to the muscled back. His face was lodging into the green-eyed boy’s shoulders. Makoto could even feel his breath through his t-shirt.

“Does it bother you if we stay like this a little while longer?”

 

‘WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! Since when was he searching for physical contact?’ Makoto’s mind went a little crazy. Of course, he hugged him a few times since Haru arrived, but it was in emergency cases. In his psychology lessons he learned that sometimes, a hug can calm faster and more efficiently than words, so that’s why he did that. And above all, Haru normally isn’t at ease with touching someone’s body. He needed to put it on an end. ‘At least for tonight.’ is inner self thought without telling his consciousness. He grabbed his friend’s arm and turned himself to face Haruka. He tried to have his most calm voice’s tone.

“Haru. I understand how you feel and I’m sorry but it bothers me. I’m really tired and I can’t sleep this way.”

 

What happened on Haru’s face then was quite new for the big boy. He had a smirk. A nasty one. Then he laughed nervously and loudly. When it passed, he took a big breath, letting escape a big sigh. Then he turned himself to Makoto’s face and looked at him with a strange gaze. He caressed it with his right hand’s palm and said in a tone he never used before.

“Makoto… You’re such a pure being. Since I can’t win against such cuteness, I’ll let you sleep.” But then his face went harsh. “But don’t think even a second that you understand how I feel.”

After installing himself as far as he could from Makoto’s body, it means where he was supposed to sleep, on the couch, he let escape a little “Goodnight.” with his normal voice and attitude.

 

Makoto turned himself. There is no way he could sleep after that. No fucking way. This was way too much in a really short time. His chest and his head were hurting. He felt hot and uncomfortable. He was on the verge to cry. He felt something vibrating against his shoulder.

‘Oh, the phone’ he thought. He checked it out.

“[01:42 - 04.27.16]

From: Minami-kun

// Hellooooo…  
// Are you alright?

// Since you didn’t answer me, I’m just checking if everything are all right.

// Hope I didn’t wake you!

// And if you’re sleeping, well ‘Good Morning’ ”

 

Makoto had a silent smile. He wasn’t alone in this. Well, it’s not like he could tell him, and figure out together how he could deal with this. But even realising this, by some sort of magic, his kouhai’s message calmed him down, bringing him back to positive thoughts.

“|01:43 - 04.27.16]

To: Minami-kun

// I’m sorry I fell half asleep…

// I guess I’m really tired…

// But don’t worry you didn’t wake me or anything.

// Your words are making me happy, thank you.”

 

He wanted to read more from his current lover. Since he putted off the vibrator on his phone, he found himself checking every five seconds, waiting for a new message.

“|01:46 - 04.27.16]

From: Minami-kun

// Uuuuh you’re an angel.

// I’m still too excited, I can’t sleep…

// Sorry if I’m a little messy here… (^_^;)

// I think it is because my mind is full of you,

// It is too hard to focus on anything else.”

 

Makoto’s body had a global warm up to the reading of this sentences. And he felt his blood concentrate in one specific place. Today was definitely a hard day for his body. He felt exhausted. Plus he couldn’t really take care of himself since he wasn’t alone.

“[01:49 - 04.27.16]

To: Minami-kun

// Talking about something too hard…”

‘Ok I can’t write this it will be worse for both of us.’ He deleted the message, face blushing hard, and started all over again.

 

“[01:51 - 04.27.16]

To: Minami-kun

// I’m also looking forward for sunday

// It’s difficult to keep you out of my mind too

// For what happened earlier

// I hope we’ll go further soon.

//

// Have a good sleep. ”

 

Even like this it felt embarrassing. But sleep was starting to gain his consciousness and it was with tired eyes that he read the last message he received ten minutes later.

 

“[02:01 - 04.27.16]

From: Minami-kun

// Noted.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *me before writing this chapter*  
> LET'S WRITE SOME FLUFF <3  
> *me after writing it*  
> WHAT HAVE I DONE. (Ｔ▽Ｔ)
> 
> I'm so sorryyyyyyy guys!  
> I feel like stabbing you in the back.  
> To be clear: I like Haruka Nanase, and I'm not doing this to him by some kind of revenge.  
> It might look like he changed a lot from his original personnality, but it is not his fault, the poor baby.  
> It's just that he didn't have the luck of Makoto these two last years, and didn't met such cute and nice creature as this mysterious kouhai!  
> BTW this fanfiction is about MakoHaru so don't give up!  
> And the title comes from everybody in the fic, and also from me!  
> *say thanks to my beta who did her best to allow me to publish this thing before saturday becomes a sunday*


	5. "Follow me."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka is trying to sneak out from Makoto's apartment.

“Makoto. Makooootooooo… Wake up… ” Haruka was squatting next to his friend, pushing him a little with his fingertips. The big guy wasn’t answering. He was still in bed, all his body under the blanket. ‘I’m pretty sure he is pretending to sleep.’ Thought the blue eyed boy.

It was noon already and the day didn’t go as they had planned the night before. Haru was awake since ten already, but since he thought Makoto needed sleep he didn’t try to wake him up. Haruka felt a little guilty about the present situation. He was conscious that he pushed things a little too hard last night, and he was feeling that he acted like a real dick. It’s not like he wanted to scare his friend.

His chest was feeling heavy, and as his culpability started to gain his mind again, he lifted himself to the couch, to lie down on it. He needed to think about what he should do. Should he insist? Should he leave this place?  
After a moment of reflexion, the more logical idea popped up into his mind.  
‘Maybe I should leave. After all I just brought mess. Plus I feel much more capable to handle myself than when I arrived here, so I might be able to walk “home”.’ He thought.

He got up and headed to his bag to start preparing himself. He checked quickly if he can get a clean boxer in it, but it seems he used already all his changes of clothes. After all it is true he didn’t intended to stay this long. He took off Makoto’s shirt and trousers, to put his dirty clothes instead. He didn’t want to borrow them forever.

When he put his hand in the trousers he was wearing the day before, he touched what seemed to be crushed paper. He took it off from his pocket to look at it.  
‘Oh. The note.’ He thought. He found it when he prepared the beds before taking his bath. He read it at least twenty times during his bath time. It has nothing really interesting written in it, it was all about casual stuff like ‘hope you are feeling better’, ‘have good day’, ‘don’t forget the medicines’, ‘I’ll be a little late tonight due to evening class’, things like that. But it didn’t matter how much he read it, it always create a soft feeling into his chest. A feeling of comfort, the impression to be important to someone. He read it again. ‘I should leave it here.’ He thought. He didn’t want to keep it with him. If he was leaving, it was to go away, to disappear again and forever from Makoto’s life. It was to let his friend turn the page, and to turn it for himself too. So he have to leave it here. As if he tried to lock his feelings in the tiny apartment. When he started to put his shoes and his jacket on, he heard some blanket noises.

“... Haru… You’re leaving?” Makoto had a sleepy voice. ‘Seems that he was just sleeping after all.’ Thought Haruka to himself. Fortunately he anticipated a little the situation and had a ready-lie. “I’m not leaving. Since I didn’t want to wake you up, I intended to go outside to buy that game of yours, plus food, and come back.” As he was in the hallway, he was in front of the door and cannot see Makoto. But he could hear him search and put his glasses on.

“So… Why do you wear your dirty clothes? And why do you bring your bag with you?” Haruka turned himself to have a look on the big guy posture and face. His tone was low when he asked these questions of his. “Mako…” He shut instantly his mouth when his eyes discovered the scene which was occurring behind his back. ‘Shit he has his crying face on.’

“... Is it because of my behaviour of last night?” The voice of the green eyed boy began to quiver. “... I mean… I know I acted weird, but…” Makoto was kneeling on his futon. His arms was crossed on his chest and he was squeezing his t-shirt. His face was all red, and he couldn’t look in Haru’s direction. His voice started to get loud. “... But I’d like you to know that…” The big guy took a few febrile breaths. “... I… I’m scared ok?! I’m scared! I’m scared of what happened to you! I’m scared of what IS happening to you…” Makoto was clumsily trying to wipe the tears that started to roll down on his cheeks. “... Haru… I… uh…”

‘Fuck.’ Haru started to walk to his friend, putting his bag on the floor. He wanted to hug the big guy but when he arrived on the spot he restrained his first idea and just clumsily put his hands on his shoulders instead. “Makoto…”

“Uh…” The big guy was desperately trying to hide his tears. He looked to Haru, trying to display his ‘everything is fine’ smile. “I’m… Sorry… Please, don’t worry, I’m fine. I mean, I know I’m not the one who is allowed to cry here.”

Haruka took the face of his friend into his hands to force him to look at him. “Stupid.” He said in a calm but tense tone. He was looking at Makoto with his more intense glance. “You can cry. You deserve to cry. Stop thinking you must be the strong one or whatever bullshit you’re thinking.” Makoto’s face went all mixed up again. “... Haru…”

“Now. Tell me what is bothering you since I get to come at your place.”

 

\-----------------------------------------

 

“Haru look! It’s there!” Makoto was in front of the stand where the game he wanted was promoted. He had a really big smile on his face and an excited gesture. ‘Sometimes, he definitely looks like a puppy.’ Thought Haruka, amused.

They finally went in the nearest videogames store. Makoto, the holy object in the hands, seemed disappointed. The blue eyed boy came close to him. “What is it?”

“Hm… I didn’t think about this, but since it is brand new, it is quite expensive… I’m not sure I prepared enough cash…”

“They don’t take credit card here?” When asking his question, Haru noticed a sign near the cash register which was telling the contrary. Thinking of it, it was the end of the month, and Makoto didn’t have much money entry besides a little help from his parents and the salary he saved from his summer work. Plus he had to buy extra food and medicines this week. ‘I get it.’ Haruka thought. He took the game from the hands of the big guy, went to the cash register and went back to his friend. He stretched his arms for the game to attain Makoto’s chest. He said with his more possible enjoyed tone, which was still placid “Congrats for your hard work.” And then, he added in a murmur “And thank you for having taken care of me.”

Makoto was blushing hard. “Haru… you didn’t need t-.” Haruka looked at the big guy face with a really serious gaze. “I have plenty of cash. Now let’s go home and try this game.”

On the way home, Makoto asked if they could pass by the park he wanted to show to Haru in the beginning. The blue eyed boy had already decided this day was the last he would spend with his friend, and as he wanted to please the nice boy, he didn’t refuse. As they were silently walking in the streets, Haru couldn’t help but imagine Makoto taking this path almost everyday. He imagined him with his friends, and alone. When he think about it, it’s been already half a year that he is in the capital. But as he spent most of his time in the same area he never saw Makoto’s district before. It was a nice place. It reminded him a bit of Iwatobi because it was really calm, and green. It just was missing the sea atmosphere. And obviously the ocean. He wished that if he could, he would like to live this day every day, again and again. But he pushed the thought far away from his mind as fast as it came into it.

When they arrived at one of the entrance of the park, it was just in time for the golden hour, where the sunlight makes everything it touches softer before it disappears. Since it was autumn the view was really beautiful and the blue eyed boy couldn’t help but let escape a little gasp out.

“Well… Welcome to one of my favourite place.” Said softly Makoto. Since it was the end of a saturday afternoon, there was all kind of people, enjoying a walk into the park. The ambiance was calm, smooth and reassuring. After a moment of contemplation, Haru heard the big guy’s voice becoming a little more confident. “I’d like to show you something. Follow me.” Makoto was walking fastly, sure of his path.

‘Let’s have fun.’ Haruka thought. He accelerated, to race with the big guy. Makoto seemed surprised at first but quickly played the game. As they were running like idiots, they gradually went out from the delimited road, and started to sink into the bushes. “Is this a park or a forest?” Said Haruka between two breaths. “No, it’s just a secret shortcut. We’re nearly arrived.” Answered Makoto, taking back the leading place, again. After a few minutes the green haired boy started to slow down. The light seemed brighter in this place. He turned himself to Haruka, his big body blocking the sight of the water boy. Haruka which was still in his impulse, bumped into Makoto’s chest. It was moving fast and it was hot, the big guy was still taking his breath back. Haruka wished he could stay like this forever. He began to feel anxious about his decision. The day was going closer and closer to its end. He had to enjoy every seconds of it. Suddenly he remembered what happened earlier in the day, and put instantly physical distance with Makoto.

“I’d like you to close your eyes, if it’s not too weird for you.” Makoto seemed sure about himself. “Mh. Why?” Asked Haru with his placid tone.

“I’d kinda like it to be a surprise for you.”

“Ok.” Haruka said, closing his eyes. He heard the big guy going behind his back, and felt his hands on his shoulders. “I’ll guide you. Please, don’t cheat.”

Haruka nodded silently as an agreement. They walked a little and then Makoto, went in front of him and said “Now sit, slowly please. You can help yourself with your hands.” When Haru put his right hand on the sit, he recognize the wood of a bench. As he couldn't see anything he concentrated on the sound. He could hear Makoto's breath. A light breeze agitating the trees. Birds. Water? Makoto sat near to him. “You can open your eyes. I hope you'll like it.”

The dark haired boy was first a little blinded by the intense light which was reflecting on his face. After a few second, he understood what was in front of him. It was a little hidden lake shining from the sunset.

Haruka was really touched, it reminded him about the ocean. For the first time in a long time, his mind was at peace, totally empty, apart from the view which was reflecting into his eyes. Makoto sat more casually, his forearms on his legs. “On the first day you arrived I couldn’t sleep much during night. And I couldn’t help but remember this place. I mean, I thought it might comfort you.” It seemed that he was speaking to the lake. He took a pause. “When I’m missing the guys, and Iwatobi, I come here. It happens also when I think about you.”  
Haru couldn’t turn his eyes from the big guy. He didn’t know he would have missed them so much. “And when I saw your state, I thought that you might’ve been missing them too.”

‘There’s nearly no more light’ the dark haired boy thought, still.

After a long blank moment, Makoto asked softly. “Haru… Can you tell me what happened to you?” Haruka knew this would come. But he was ready.

“Ok. But let’s head to your home first, or we’re going to freeze.”

\----------------------

The two guys had launch the game for a while when Haru decides to talk. They were both in front of the screen, both under blanket, a cup of tea near them. He felt like it was the right time to do it.

“So… Makoto… What do you think of the game?”

Makoto pouts a little.

“Hm… I don’t know… I can’t find my favorite character yet. I hope he will appear soon, it would be nonsense that they put him out of the story line. It’s not fair since yours is there since the intro cinematic.” Haru felt the gaze of his friend on him, but he didn't look to concentrate on the game.

“But it feels nice to play along with you again. What about you? What do you think about it?”

The blue eyed boy had a tiny smile. “I feel like I’m going to win again.”

“What?! Damn! Haru! Don’t you tell me you did it to distract me! It’s cheating!”

“No it’s not. See, I won again.”

Makoto rolls into his blanket, letting his joystick on the floor.

“Nooooooooooooo… I forgot about that. You always win.” He rose himself up.  
“Let’s take a little break. You want a snack? What time is it? We could eat dinner may… ”

“Makoto. It’s okay, I’m not hungry.”

“But I am. Plus I need food to comfort myself after those numerous defeats” Answered the big guy, his puppy face on.

“Ok, but just take snacks then, no need to prepare a full dinner.”

Haruka didn’t want the mood to fade out. He basically intended to leave before dinner time but having to find the best timing to talk was harder than expected.

Makoto went in the kitchen. He spoke a little louder while he was preparing himself a snack “So what do you want to do next? Should we try the adventure mode? Or do you want to continue the story mode? Do you want more tea?”

Haruka joined him in the kitchen with the empty cups.

“Just water will be fine.”

“Ok.” The big guy took the cups to fulfill them with sink water. “There. It is yours.”

They were both waiting for the microwave to do its job, standing in the tiny kitchen, the cups in hands. For a somewhat strange reason, the good mood from earlier had been totally replaced by an uneasy feeling.

Haruka decided to break the ice.“So Makoto… What would you like to do? I’ll follow whatever you choose.”

Makoto took his snack out of the microwave.

“I… I don’t know. Ouch..! It’s hot!”

Haru quietly put his cup in the sink. “Okay. Did you burn yourself?”

The big guy had two of his right hand’s fingers in the mouth. He looks like a kid. Thought Haruka.

“No. It’s fine. Should we go back to the T.V?”

“Okay.” The blue eyed boy brought the cup of his friend with him, following his steps all along the way to the living room.

Makoto was squatting in front of the screen, the joystick in hand.

“Should I put some music?”

Seems that he doesn't want to continue the game for now. Haruka thought.

He put the cup.near to the dish on the floor and sat on the couch, covering his legs in a soft blanket. “Whatever you want is fine for me, I said.”

Makoto absorbed by the screen, didn't look at him. Actually it seemed that he was avoiding eye contact since they went back home.

“ ‘kay.” He put some calm music on and let his big body lying down on the futon.

“You don’t eat?” The dark haired boy asked.

Makoto put nonchalantly his left forearm on his head. “... Too hot for now.”

Haruka didn’t talk for a while to let the silence wrap them into some new kind of mood they didn't experience since what seemed to be ages. He silently lied near Makoto’s body, letting a certain distance between them. He covered himself with more blanket, to hide his mouth and nose. For a reason he didn’t know, he had lost all his self confidence concerning speaking about himself. But he had to do it.

His voice was tiny, as if it was trying to hide itself. “... So… should I tell it now?”

Makoto didn't move.

“I think so.” He said in a really deep tone.

The mood was tense. But also comfy. It felt weird. Haruka cleared his throat.

“I… I don’t know where I should begin.”

The big guy’s being remained silent. Haruka digged himself deeper in the blanket, taking a long breath to fill up his mind with bravery.

“Here I go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hello there!  
> *I'M BACK* 
> 
> I remember saying something like "I'd like to edit chapters every saturdayyyyzzz" LOLOLOLOL :B  
> Looks like time had been messing up with me (again) :P  
> BUT NOW I HAVE TIME, because my part time job is finished! ( I still have my diploma to pass but hey, I have much more time now ) 
> 
> So this chapter is quite smooth (and short), but hey feelings are coming soon. REALLY SOON. meh
> 
> Hoping you are all fine, and sorry for the wait <3


	6. Perfect timing, perfect moment.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the big talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!  
> HERE COME THE ANGST  
> Just a little note for warning:  
> I add tags to the fic massively for warnings, so just look at them and you'll be ready for what's coming in this chapter. I didn't do it before (the tags), and I realized #brokenharu could have been a sensitive subject in the past chapters, and I'm reaaally sorry for that. 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy!

‘I shouldn’t have tried to tell him the truth.’ Haruka thought.

It was six in the morning, and he was in the metro, his car all empty. The train just had emerged from the ground to rise from the shadows of the tunnel.  
The window was cold. It felt refreshing on the blue eyed boy’s cheek while his gaze was aimlessly following the city lights. It was still night out there, but the dark sky was slowly starting to die out in a light blue hue.

Moved by the scene and lost in his feelings the young man wished for this exact instant to never stop. He wished he could be here all alone in this train forever, the sweet hum of the metallic tracks swinging into his head, his entire body rocked by the soft movements of his car rolling on the rail. He wished he could cross miles and miles of numerous landscapes he can’t even imagine yet, like this, in his sit, wavering between a peaceful sleep and mild consciousness, waiting for the train to stop in one and final destination.

This was just what he needed. A destination. He always sort of believed wherever place with Makoto besides him could have been this destination, but he was so unsure. But for now, Haruka was quite aware of his concrete next destination. He was going back to what he hopelessly called “home” for the past few months. He just knew this was just another stop on the way to the terminus he desperately wanted to attain soon. But he had nowhere else to go.  
Was it why he was feeling so tired?

The dark haired boy took a deep breath and straightened up on his seat. He checked in a quick glance the time on one of the car’s information screens and began to prepare himself to leave the train. When his eyes met his reflection he had a bitter smile. He looked awful. He was all pale from the lack of sleep and his eyes were swollen from the tears he left in his best friend’s nest a few hours ago.

He let a nearly inaudible sigh when he stood up to walk through the car’s doors, thinking that he left maybe more than tears in Makoto’s tiny apartment.

 

\---------------------

 

“Wait… you’ve been in Germany?” Makoto’s tone was translating his amazement. “I mean, I didn’t imagined you would go this far to see your parents.”

“At first I just wanted to join them for the vacation.” Answered quickly Haruka, his voice betraying a defensive attitude. “But after a few weeks in there we talked about my future plans, and as my parents wanted to stay a little longer, they proposed to me to stay with them.”

“... to enjoy some sort of stability?” The tall guy softly said.  
“Hm.” Haru digged his head in his pillow. ‘I can’t tell him that I kind of told them back there that there was nothing waiting for me in Japan.’

“So you told me you trained in there? How was it? As I remember your english is not really good. How did you manage to even speak with them?” Makoto was being too talkative and it started to annoy the dark haired boy.

“I managed. And my english improved by the way.”

‘There, how was it, mister ‘you’re not so good in english’. ’ The tense mood of earlier was slowly fading away. Maybe he could have told him earlier, maybe it wasn’t as difficult as he believed.

“Wow Haru!” The big guy was really impressed.

“Makoto I don’t know how to take this, seriously.”

“No, no, don’t worry, I mean, I’m just really surprised.” he said in a laughter. “Did you learn any german words?” Makoto was looking at him intensely.

‘Puppy eyes are back.’ Haruka thought, amused. He rolled to lie on the back and started to play unconsciously with his fingers, his eyes fixing the ceiling. “It’s been a while, so let me remember a bit… Hm… there is some similarities with english, like for pool, it’s pool too. For water it’s wasser. And for swim it’s schwimmen.”

“I can see that you learned your basics for communication.” Makoto said in a mocking way.

“Shut up. Haha.” Haru felt his own honest smile across his face. It felt warm and delightful.

A moment passed.

“So you didn’t answer, how was it? I mean, training in Germany.” The blue eyed boy turned himself to face his friend. He had an intern gasp when he saw the gaze of the big guy on him. He didn’t know if it was because of the light of the room, or the mood, but it was mesmerizing. ‘Wunderschön augen’ he thought. On his first day in his training club in germany, that was what one of his comrade told him. “It means really beautiful eyes.” the guy had said back then.

He took a breath. “It was fine I guess.” Haruka answered. “I mean, if I look at it now, it feels that it was pretty cool.” Makoto remained silent, showing his need for further details. “The level was really high, and they were all nice to me. Plus, I didn’t have to worry about money or whatever material issue you can have when you’re a young adult. And you know I..”

“How come you left then?” his tone was dry. Haruka shut his mouth. He didn’t realize how lucky he was back then compared to his friend situation. He felt shameful.

“I was homesick.” the dark haired boy said in a whisper.

“You missed Japanese mackerel?” said the big guy in a smile. ‘Good, he is not mad at me.’ thought Haru, relived.

“You can’t even imagine how much I did.” he replied softly.

 

\---------------------

 

“So, what was it next? What did you do?” said Makoto moving a bit to put a little more blanket on his feet.

“I went back to Iwatobi, to think about what to do.”

“You went back alone?” the green eyed boy seemed surprised.

“Yes, my parents had a great job in Germany, they couldn’t leave like that. And you know them, it’s not like they mind if I’m away from them.” Haru let a sigh out.

Makoto instinctively put a caring hand on Haru’s arm and looked in his eyes.  
His tone was really low and smooth. “You know you’re important to them. You know that.”

“Tch.” The dark haired boy push the warm hand and turned his back to his friend.“Of course I know. I didn’t meant to sound disappointed or anything. You misunderstood.” After a short instant the big guy let escape a short “Ok.” and Haru heard him rolling on his back.

“So how did you ended being in Tokyo?” Makoto asked in a breath. It nearly seemed like he wanted to shorten the little chat.

‘He must be tired. I have to make it quick.’ thought Haru. “After staying a full month in Iwatobi I decided to give a new try in Tokyo. After talking with Gou I realized I improved in Germany, and since you and the other weren’t there, I didn’t see the point in staying. So I found a great swim club to continue what I started abroad.”

“Did you know Rin was also training in Tokyo?”

“Of course I knew, I even met with him several times.”

Makoto moved quickly. He grabbed Haru’s shoulder to force the blue eyed boy to turn himself. Haru couldn’t define what he saw in the green eyes. He didn’t know if it was anger, jealousy or simple surprise. But it froze the dark haired boy to the bones.

“You what?” his voice had a jump. Haru didn’t know what to say. At first he felt like Makoto’s reaction was a bit too much for meeting a friend, and he wanted to tackle his misplaced excitement with words like ‘What are you mad at? What’s wrong about meeting with one of my best friends?’ But when these words came across his mind, he realized. Makoto was also his best friend, well maybe even more. It wasn’t anger nor jealousy in makoto’s eyes, it was disappointment.

Haruka had trouble maintaining the deep gaze of the big guy.

“I… I… I’m had my reasons for not meeting you all this time. I’m so sorry Makoto.” Makoto released the pressure, to sit back. He didn’t lie down, he seemed too agitated for that anyway.

“Then tell me those reasons Haru.” He took a deep breath and, hiding his face in his hands he said “Please tell me why you came to my door the other day.” He seemed to hesitate a little bit, but then he let out a little louder “Tell me the reasons why you were completely destroyed when you came back to me.”

“I want to know everything I missed about you.”

Haruka knew it was the time to tell. He knew it. He stayed still under the blanket, back turned to his friend. He sticks his head deeper in the pillow and took several breath. ‘You can do it. Tell it. You can make it. He deserve it.’  
Then, in a soft but as firmed as he could tone Haruka said it. “In that club in Tokyo… I.. I had a... how can I say it… a really, really unhealthy relationship.”

It felt like dropping a bomb between them. The silence was wrapping them for a while until Makoto started to activate it.

“You… You had a relationship? Like… A love relationship?” He asked, his voice full of astonishment, but calm, as he understood he had to handle it with gloves. Haruka breathed and stayed firmly clutched to his blanket. ‘Seriously, what is that question Makoto.’ he thought.

“... I don’t know if I can say it was love or whatever.” The blue eyed boy started to feel his throat tightening. “The only thing I know… is that he was a fucking psycho.” Makoto moved, slowly approaching the dark haired boy’s back. Haru could felt a slight difference in the air around him. It was a bit warmer.

The big guy voice was still calm, and incredibly soft. “Please, define psycho to me.”

‘What?’ Haru didn’t know what to say. “I thought you would be… I didn’t expected you would be this calm.” He confessed, troubled by the gap between his growing anxiety and the profound and tireless calm of his friend. Makoto must have moved closer to him. Haruka felt his breath in his neck when he said in a really deep and soft tone. “I am not calm. I’m worried, and incredibly mad. But for now I need to help you to deal with what you’ve been through. So go on Haru. Just let it out.”

Haruka couldn’t resist these words. He felt something break inside him. Something that kept him safe from all the things he locked inside for so long. Like a torrent of scorching water, emotions went from his guts to his throat in as if it was a violent wave. He began to shake as the vivid memories hit his mind like a thunder, creating a flow of tears, his brain desperately trying to soothe the sudden mental chaos. He couldn’t speak but whine, as if he was strangled by strong and ruthless invisible hands.

 

\---------------------

 

After a while he could let out few words and pieces of sentences like ‘he was so nice to me’, ‘I thought I could trust him’, ‘he was fine’. As if he needed to give credits to his choices. As if he needed to prove it wasn’t his fault.

Haru was having difficulty to breath, Makoto brought him fresh water, and helped him find his pace back with comforting hands between shoulders and on the chest. He gave him tissues and even turned off the music which was softly surrounding them before. The big guy did all of this as one and simple normal action, in the peacefullest silence.

But the blue eyed boy couldn’t notice even the smoothest intention. He was trapped in his mind, his intern vision captivated by the movie reel of his memories. And as if he was reading an open book, Haruka described what he has in front of him.

“Everything was fine. We were in the same team. He had a quick interest in me, and I’ve been carried away by his attention and carefulness. I… I think I needed attention and care…” His gaze went away in an invisible void for a moment.  
“After a short while we ended up being together, but he didn’t want the other to know, so we kept it secret. He said it would affect our training if people knew. And I was fine with it because I don’t really like others being aware of my feelings.”

“There was a lot of things he liked to keep secret.”

“Really quickly he became kind of… possessive. He was mesmerized by my body. He said he was proud to be able to touch it. And to see it. And then he thought that people wasn’t good enough to see it. They didn’t deserve it. Because it was ‘too precious for a simple gaze to touch’.” When saying this, Haruka could hear the voice of his former partner, echoing his own voice.

“One night he had a sudden idea. He said it was for the best. So I let him do what he wanted to do. I didn’t want him to dislike me, I needed him.”

Haru couldn’t feel or see it but Makoto was holding the dark haired boy cheeks with his big hands. He was trying to wipe down the continual flow of tears with his thumbs, in repetitive soft caresses. The green eyed boy was also on the verge to cry.

“He told me that if he leaves marks on my body I would be obliged to hide them because it was our secret, and if people sees them they would understand we were in a relationship. ‘So you can still act proud in front of others.’ He said.”

“At first they were easy to hide. And they didn’t hurt much. It was strong kisses or bite marks on small parts. But then he told me I should stop training, because it exposed my body too much. And we had a fight. Because I couldn’t accept such a thing… Swimming is like breathing to me.”

Haruka had a spasm as he was watching the intern fight occurring in front of him. His body was remembering too.

“He was really angry. He hit me with stuff to leave huge marks I couldn’t hide. Each time he would do it, he would cry, saying sorry, saying that it is the only way, and then we would always have sex. And I believed him, because I knew he really thought it was the only way.”

“Except from this he was very kind to me, and I really felt important, so I thought it was okay, that it was a compromise for all the kindness and affection he gave to me. Then he started to hurt me so much that I wouldn’t be able to leave his apartment. ‘You can’t go outside, you don’t need the others since I’m here. They will try to destroy us. They will try to put me away from you.’ He said.”

Makoto was done. He was hugging his friend tightly and couldn’t stop his own sobs. Haruka on his side was still in the clouds.

“After spending days locked in his apartment, one afternoon where I was alone, I watched TV and I fell on a sport channel. It was a contest of swim relay. And I remembered water. I remembered high school. I remembered the guys. I remembered Rin. I remembered you.”

After a pause, the blue eyed boy gently pushed the big guy to be able to put his gaze in Makoto’s glowing eyes. Haru was back.

“And I realized. I realized he didn’t care for me at all, he never did. I realized it wasn’t love but abusive possessiveness. I realized it wasn’t right, that it wasn’t… sane.”

Haruka put a hand on his his friend cheek.

“I mean, you would never have hurt me this way. Right?”

Makoto had a huge sob and bursted into tears, nodding. Haruka took his friend’s arms to invite him for a hug, and they lied down, in a soft mattress sound. Haruka whispered softly while caressing the big guy nape.

“Then I tried to escape and I succeed. I even was able to find a job for three months. But I was still lost and I weirdly missed him. I think he did something to me so I can’t really get rid of him.”

“I’m even quite sure he let me go the first time.”

The dark haired boy felt Makoto’s voice vibrate on his collarbone. “What a fucking psycho.”

Haru couldn’t help but smile at this one. “Told you. Anyway, one day he found me, where I worked and lived, stalked me, and brought me somewhere really uncomfy, making sure I won’t ever leave him again. Actually I really thought I couldn’t survive him back there. He was really, really angry and sometimes he would say he would kill me. He wasn’t acting nice at all. Not anymore. Not after what I’ve done to him.”

Makoto had a shiver.

“Fortunately he is a little stupid and didn’t think about breaking my legs, or arms. He needed to feel superior and smart, so he prefered mind games. I don’t know exactly how long I’ve been trapped with him, but I tricked him, and I escaped again. But to be honest I’m surprised by myself. I didn’t know I could do it.”

Haruka could feel the breath of the big guy starting to be regular and profound. He seemed on the verge to sleep. But the blue eyed boy needed to say it all, so he would tell the story to the end.

“Then I knew I couldn’t go back to my former home, and I couldn’t go to the hospital. So I wandered in town, looking for your place. I followed my instinct of and I arrived to your front door, and you know what’s next.”

Makoto said in a soft breath. “You knew where I live?”

“When I worked I wanted to meet you again, so I made my research. But… I was afraid you would be mad at me.”

Makoto whispered. “You’re an idiot.”

“Well… I know. I’m sorry I could have come earlier. I really wanted to.”

There was a pause.

Haruka turned a little his head to put a part of his face in his friend’s hair, and let escape in a sigh. “You’ll never imagine how much I’ve been missing you.”

He wanted to add the three words he was keeping inside for so long. It was the perfect timing, the perfect moment, the best chance he would have to say it. His heart was beating so fast. He wanted it so badly.

But he couldn’t.

He saw Makoto’s face the other night. He saw his eyes and his face glittering from these texts. He might be a bit asocial, but he knew what it means to wear this kind of face. Especially on his best friend’s traits. He knew them by heart.

It meant Makoto was in love.

But not with him.

And Haruka understood really well, and was sincerely happy for his friend. He, at least, was able to move on. And for anything in the world Haru would destroy this. He will support them. Because he cares about Makoto’s happiness. Because Makoto deserves to be happy. Even if it was hurting as hell.

It was too late.

Perfect timing, perfect moment, best chance he would have to say it. It was two years before, on the eve of Makoto’s departure.

The hole in his chest seemed to never end. And he cried. His cheeks weren’t covered with acid trauma tears, tears of fear nor tears of exhaustion. It was warm, salty, and incredibly honest tears of unrequited love.

 

\---------------------

 

People were starting their morning activities when Haruka arrived to his destination. Since it was in a quite active street, students, restaurants and shops were slowly awakening the city. They were all enjoying the fresh atmosphere and the bright first rays of sun, which were softly hitting roofs, windows, plants, clothes and faces, in a caress.

Well, they weren’t all enjoying it.

A specific someone really disliked mornings, sun or whatever early birds are doing.

They call him Angel of the night, and that’s not just to give him a whatsoever Romantic appeal. He is a beast of midnight, a majestic creature, torturing and helping souls who can’t sleep at night. He guides the lost ones. The depraved ones. He dooms the right-thinking.

Well, that’s how he likes to describe himself.

Haru watched for a while the entrance of his former home. It was very neutral. Discrete, almost invisible. It could be the door for a specialized doctor, or notary. There was a little golden plate, next to the front door. It was written “SwiM Club” on it. Haruka wondered if people in the streets could figure out what it truly meant. He knew the postman knew, because he already seen him inside. Actually he was a good client.

Whatever. He won’t enter by this door. Its an heavy, soundproof door, so he won’t hear him from inside. The blue-eyed boy passed in a really narrow street which was glued against the “SwiM Club” building. It was so small he could feel the walls rub his vest on each of his shoulder. There he found the door. It was an old red metallic door, rusted. There was some rests of old posters on it, and more importantly there was this huge sign, written by hand. ‘Staff and artists only. Opens at 8PM. NEVER KNOCK BEFORE 8PM. Thank you.’ The ‘never knock’ part was bigger and seemed to had been written again and again.

There was a little square window just above the door, on the left of it. It seemed to have been placed here on purpose, as it was the only place the sun could touch here. Since there was tiny aromatic plants hooked on it, it looked like it. There was also curtains, with a cute seal pattern on it.

Haruka knew it wasn’t 8PM. It was almost 8AM. Well, he could always build up something like his watch is broken or whatever. Actually he was pretty sure that the Angel of the night won’t be angry at him.

He took a deep breath and knocked with all his strength. The deep sound of the metallic door resonated in all the tiny street, and in his chest. He waited a few seconds before knocking again. It was really early, he could be sleeping deeply after all. Haru glued his ear to the door.

He heard a big muffled sound. Like a door opened frankly. He could hear a shout. Two. But it was more like loud complaints than screams. Then he heard someone who were rushing in stairs, clumsily. Always speaking loud. As the someone approached, Haru could understand a few words like “... I told them A BILLION TIMES ALREADY!”, “...fuck them fuck...”, “ah..shit… WHAT IS THIS THING?!”.

Then he arrived behind the door. Haruka put himself away from it. Anyway he could hear pretty well now.

“...I swear if you are these fuckin’ LITTLE BITCHES who want me to join their STUPID AND SO… FUCKIN’ NARROW MINDED community, I’LL KILL YOU!!! You hear me over there? I’ll KILL YOU! So run away with your BITTER MUFFINS or whatsoever GOOD INTENTIONS, or you will have a taste of my DEVILISH WHIP.”

Haru couldn’t help but let a tiny laugh out. He missed that part of him.

The Angel of the night was waiting.

“... Well I can hear you are always here, you’ve been warned. I’m opening the door.”

When he opened and faced Haruka, he was speechless.

He rushed into the blue-eyed boy arms. He was wearing a huge t-shirt, it looked like a dress on him. When Haru tightened him in a soft embrace he could smell his so delicate perfume. It was floral with a hint of musk into it. He thought that it was a perfect fit for the guy he had in his arms. The dark haired boy loved this scent. It meant a lot to him.

“Haru-... How?! Where?! I… I was so worried about you!! We’ve been searchin’ for you!! I thought this psycho killed you or somethin’! I’m so glad!”

The Angel of the night break the embrace to put his humid gaze into Haru’s eyes.

“Haru… I’m so glad you’re back… ”

Haruka put his hands around the guy’s cheeks, caressing them softly with his thumbs. He then put a gentle kiss on his forehead and let escape what it seemed to be a healing spell for both of them.

“Yes Ai. I’m back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Haru, I love you. You don't deserve this. Nor you Makoto. My sweet children.
> 
> Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  
> Here we are!  
> Say hello to the Angel of the Night, this so delicate and festy character!  
> I prepared a really nice (and angsty) story about him, to explain like HOW THE HELL HE ENDED LIKE THAT, or HOW THE HELL HE HAS SUCH (sensibly intimate?) RELATIONSHIP WITH HARU.
> 
> But don't worry. This his a MakoHaru fanfiction, so don't lose that from sight.  
> And FLUFF is coming in the next chapter!
> 
> About the chapters' release frequency, I'm like 100% guilty, and you must know that I'm having a really fun time writing this fic. But I'm doing a lot of differents projects, and I am a pretty huge disorganized (and lazy) person. I write as a soothing activity, when I have time to, so chapters are long to arrive. 
> 
> But I'm putting my heart in it and I hope you still enjoy reading this fanfiction <3
> 
> See you guys.


	7. Meatballs pastas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto and Minami have lunch together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI guys :D
> 
> As usually my release frequency is really low and i'm sorry for this :/  
> But HERE IS some fluff and kisses ;D
> 
> Now I'm in Japan for internship, so I'll concentrate more on the fic around december :)
> 
> Thanks for reading :)

‘Vrrr, vrrr.’

 “... Hmmmm… What.”

Makoto startled at the feeling of a vibration on the bottom side of his back.  
He rolled in his blanket, still sleepy. The light surrounding him was a late morning light, it was already warm and high, and it felt like a burn on the big guy’s face. After a minute or two of adaptation, his hand started to search for his phone. In a huff, he rose himself up, and checked his phone.

“... Shit.”

On the screen he could see the pixels clearly forming a white and bright 11:56AM on his desktop, and a lot of unread messages from Minami-kun. Makoto usually didn’t like to oversleep in the morning. But he hated it even more when he had something planned. He felt like crap. A huge and tall amount of crap.

He took a breath. Clapped his face twice. And then urged himself in the bathroom, challenging himself to be ready in less than thirty minutes.

 

\-----------------

 

The brown haired guy could finally get to be in the metro. His hair was still wet from the shower, and he was out of breath from running to the station. His body was filled with adrenaline. Unlocking his phone, he took the occasion to text back his kouhai.

“|12:32 - 05.27.16]  
To: Minami-kun  
// I’m so so so sorry.  
// I don’t understand, I overslept :(((  
// I’m on my way.”

The phone vibrated just a few second later.

“|12:33 - 05.27.16]  
From: Minami-kun  
// Don’t worryyyyy ;D  
// Since you didn’t answer I’m just lazing around in my room.  
// Playin’ video games, you know right?  
// It’s okay you must have been really tired <3  
// Take your time, and come safely  
// Did you have lunch already?.”

The answer was nice and soft, and a smile came across his face. Well. It’s true it was noon already and he didn’t had the time to take breakfast. When he thought about it, he didn’t even eat properly the evening before. He realised how hungry he was. He got out of the car and started to hurry in the stairs. His heartbeat went faster and harder but he couldn’t tell if it was from physical effort or excitement. Maybe both.

“|12:38 - 05.27.16]  
To: Minami-kun  
// I’m still feeling really bad for this  
// I’ll find a way to fix this.  
// But thank you.  
// No I didn’t why?”

Again, faster than he could expect, he felt a vibration against his sweating hand.  
He was scampering, trying not to exhaust himself to much. While pausing to check direction, (and take back his breath), he gave a quick glance to the answer.

“|12:39 - 05.27.16]  
From: Minami-kun  
// Coooooooool :D  
// I kinda messed up  
// I prepared too much food haha  
// I hope you’re super hungry!”

Makoto wondered how he should answer this one. An idea went across his mind. Something cocky. Something he never did before. Something which was out of his character. But just thinking about it accelerated his blood pace. He felt like he could do something like this. He wanted something like this. He wanted to be out of character, trying new things and discover much more about this part of himself. Something yet only Minami succeed to awake in him.

Well. In a way Haru did too, in the past, but since he had to restrain himself, he could never enjoy these feelings in their fullest.

Actually the puppy was still virgin. He put so much of his attention into his feelings for Haru that he always kept his sexuality for himself, and never really caressed the possibility to try things with other dudes. Well. Being gay didn’t simplify his issues concerning communicating his feelings to his crushes, and even though, the number of crushes he had is still so poor that he never had a chance to even consider them possible.

If he is honest with himself, he knows that sometimes he felt he had some kind of positive response from other guys. Like too long and deep eye contacts, or positive akward situations. But since he was too scared of interfering in one’s life, he never pushed the flirt further. And he had Haru. So anyway he didn’t have time for others.

But then and now are different.

Now the tall guy was in front of Minami’s door, panting. He could felt his face being flush red, and sweat all over his body. The more his breath went in and out, the more he felt lust growing into him. Makoto was a sexually frustrated young adult, he was aware of it, and eagerness could easily take control of his body.

The last time he got to see his boyfriend, they ended their encounter with a soft kiss, which had dipped a bit too suddenly, as Minami lost control of his own excitement. It surprised Makoto and he broke the kiss, putting them in an awkward situation. They had been flirting for more than six month now, and they just started making out in the past few days. The tension was at its climax now, but since they never get to have a proper time and place for themselves they couldn’t experience much. And Makoto knew he was acting clumsy, always ruining the mood against his will.

And he was ready to fix these little mistakes. He knocked and heard footsteps approaching the door. When his green eyes crossed Minami’s happy face his heart skipped a beat.

“Ko-ni-chi-wa~ Makoto-ku..umpf.”

He attacked Minami with a deep kiss, tongue and all, not letting the other a chance to end his sentence. He pushed the hazel haired guy in the entrance, closed the door, and softly pushed him against the wall, without breaking the kiss. After a few more seconds, he broke it, to let both of them take a little breath and mind back. The tall guy gently put his forehead against his lover’s, both of his thumbs slowly caressing the other’s pink flushed cheeks, and risked eye contact with him.

Minami was looking at him with very lustful eyes. He opened his mouth and let escape in a soft breath.

“Woah. That was… super woah.” and he cracked a smile, with a nervous, tiny laugh.

Makoto felt his insides burning at this view.

“I’m sorry for attacking you like this… It’s just.. Actually, I’m pretty hungry.”

He closed his eyes and went for another kiss. Gentler, softer. He was dying from embarrassment saying those things, but it felt nice. He needed this.

“I’m starving like a beast.”

And they kissed again, breath quickly transforming into moans. The tall guy felt like he was melting. He wanted to mix himself up with his lover and had the sensation to push themselves further and further in the wall, until they pass through it. He didn’t realize it right away but his body was glued to Minami’s, and he could feel their manhood touching through their pants fabric. It was a burning like hell spot. And he wanted it to burn more.

As the green eyed boy started to lower his hand to touch more of his partner, Minami broke the kiss. He gently pushed the big guy’s abdomen from his own with two fingers, and softly pulls away the malicious hand.

“I’m sorry but my legs are numb, can’t stay up like this anymore haha... Please, come with me.” The dark purple eyed guy grips Makoto’s sleeve and guides him through the apartment, to end in his room.

It wasn’t the first time for Makoto to be here. But it felt all new to him. He realised how much it was filled with Minami’s scent, and even if he wasn’t proud of it, he fantasized about doing it in his kouhai’s room, though he never imagined it like this.

Since the other was playing video games earlier, the room was plunged in a semi-light. The stores were just opened enough to let fragile rays of light going in. The tall guy had trouble to comprehend all the shady forms in Minami’s room. But he didn’t actually care, since his sight was mostly focused on the hazel haired young man.

Makoto missed that he couldn’t distinguish the nuance of colors on his lover face when the boy started to invite him to lie down onto his bed and went above him to slowly lie down on the big guy’s torso. The green eyed boy instinctively put his large hands on his kouhai lower back, starting almost unconsciously to go under the t-shirt fabric. His fingers seemed to be on fire when they got in  
direct skin contact. Minami’s skin was soft, hot and lightly covered with sweat. Since the brown eyed guy was lying on him like this, Makoto could feel the other’s heart pulse and breathing movement. Actually he could also feel his kouhai’s nearly panting breath in his right ear.

“So. Handsome. What do you want to do now?”

Minami was slowly rubbing his lowers parts against Makoto’s, as a tease.

The big guy felt all his clumsiness and unconfidence rushing back into his mind, as he realized he didn’t know what to do. Well, technically he knew. But right now, as he was loosing the control of the situation, and since it went beyond what he could have imagined, his mind was blank. After all, all of this was a premiere for him. A new feeling was slowly growing into his chest. What is this..? Not fear… right? But Minami was now sitting on him, waiting for an answer.

“Uh… I want… to… hum.”

Makoto tried to make up something, but it failed. He was blushing hard from embarrassment and had removed his hands from his kouhai to hide his face in them. Then he remembered what he once read about the basics of a good and sane relationship. ‘Be honest.’ He took a deep breath and said in a whine.

“I don’t know.”

The long blank that came after this crushed Makoto and buried him into his own shame. Then Minami lied back onto him and whispered.

“Just tell me if you want me to stop then.”

And he started to play with the big guy ear, licking and softly biting. Makoto didn’t even know this was a pleasurable spot. When the hazel haired boy went down to his neck and sucked it, the big guy let escape an uncontrollable moan. This was so weird, it was a tiny spot but all his body was reacting.

“Seems like I found an interesting spot.” Said Minami licking his lips, a genuine grin on his face. He went for a gentle kiss on the tall man lips, and said. “Am I allowed to eat you up? Y’see I’m hungry too.”

Makoto startled at this. His he asking for…? The thing? “You mean you… You’d like to… I mean, you’re not forced to d-”

This time it was the dark purple eyed boy’s turn to shut down the other with a deep, warming kiss. Then he broke it, sit and crossed his arms. “I said I wanted it. I’m not forcing myself. Never.”

He moved to Makoto’s trousers, undoing the belt.

“Now listen carefully to this one.”

The pants and jean were off the big guy legs now, letting out his erect penis. Makoto’s inner shy self didn’t want to watch this. But he did anyway because he couldn’t believe what was happening, and he had to prove his mind.

“You understand the world is a nice place to live in when you finally get to know someone who wants to suck your dick with all his heart and mind.”

Minami checked a last time for Makoto’s permission before starting his lunch. They shared eye contact. A long and deep one. The big guy could feel the breath of his kouhai going out and in on his tensed skin. He wanted it. Really badly. He made a nearly imperceptible nod. It’s like they didn’t even need words anyway.

Minami’s face lightened. He closed his eyes and said in a breath.

“Itadakimasu.”

 

\-----------------

 

“God I’m so full now! It feels like my tummy might explode anytime haha!”  
Said Minami, letting himself fall in his bed.

“Yeah I think I also might have eat too much too. It was really tasty, thank you.” Makoto add, calmly joining the other in a spooning hug.

“Yeah I know my meatball pastas are the best. Though it’s nice to know you liked it.”

They let escape a satisfied sigh simultaneously. Minami had a sweet laugh.  
He took the big guy right hand, to wrap them up in a comfortable position, taking the hand as a pillow.  
A moment passed.

“Makoto-kun.”

The green eyed boy was sleepy.

“Mh?”

“I had a really good time.”

Makoto smiled. It was maybe the nicest moment he had in a long time.

“Me too.”

It looks like Minami hesitated for a little while. Then he let in a whisper.

“... I hope you’re feeling better now.”

This sentence put instantly the big guy out of clouds.

“I mean… I didn’t tell you before because we were in such a good mood, but when you arrived your eyes were puffy and a little red. Did you have a hard night?”

Makoto felt something digging into his chest.

“Is it... because of me?”

Actually, the tall guy had forgotten about it. Since he was in a hurry and only focusing on Minami his mind didn’t had the time to recall the past night. He didn’t even asked himself where the fuck Haruka was this morning.

… Where the fuck is Haruka.

‘Be honest.’ He thought “It’s not about you don’t worry.”

Minami turned himself to face the tall man. Wearing a real and sincere worried face. It was cute.

“Would you like to talk about it? I mean, I can be a good ear. And if I can help you in any ways, I’d like to.”

Makoto hesitated. He thought he could give it a try. In the end it’s true he never told someone about this. Maybe he should have done it before. Maybe he shouldn’t be doing it now. He didn’t know. He was so unsure. So insecure. What he knew is that he could trust Minami, and that he was in a safe place, with a safe person, who cared about him. Well, to tell the truth, he didn’t truly know, but he prefered to think so anyway.

He hugged Minami in a tighter embrace, locking his head in his partner’s neck.

“You’re sure you want to know about this?” he whispered. He needed to be sure, because he was going to act really selfishly. The other nodded.

“Okay.”

He took a few breath to focus about how he should put it in words. He started.

“Actually it’s not about you nor even me. It’s about someone I care about a lot. Someone I’m really worried about. I’m going to tell you about Haruka Nanase.”

And then he let everything out.

 

\-----------------

 

The moon was already high when Makoto went out of his kouhai apartment.

They spoke all afternoon and ended up sleeping in each other arms, from physical and emotional exhaustion. Now it was time to say goodbye and the big guy didn’t want to go. Even though he knew he couldn't stay.

He shouldn’t have told the all story. It ruined everything and he knew it. Being honest was a bad advice to follow. Being honest hurts and breaks hopes.

Makoto knew that he had made a mistake, when he woke up from their little nap earlier. He knew because he realised something.

He figured out how the return of Haru in his life, as short and brutal as it was, had ruined everything he tried to build for these past two years. Actually he felt like it simply had blown away all the efforts and time he had spent trying to forget about his childhood friend.

It had taken away the hopes he placed in his relationship with Minami.

But he couldn't resolve himself to end it here and now. He liked his kouhai. Genuinely. And he wanted really hard for them to make it work because he felt that it would be the nicest thing to do.

Makoto, absorbed into the gaze of his partner, made a choice.

He decided it was enough honesty for the day. He thought that maybe, if he tried hard enough and believed, it would work. He didn't want to abandon now. He felt like Minami didn't deserved to be left now. And never actually but sadly he couldn't swear on this one. Whatever, not after they just finally made out.

They were both in the entrance, just staring at each other waiting for one of them to make a move. Minami was uncomfortable with goodbyes and the tall guy knew it.

Makoto approached his kouhai for a gentle, soft and warm tight embrace.  
He talked in a breath, in his partner ear.

“Kazuki. Thank you for the listening.” he felt a slight shake in his partner breath. Makoto usually didn’t say his first name, because it never came naturally to him. Oddly.

“I… I’ll help you find him. I mean. We must find him, right? And… and I'll feel bad if I don't help you with this.” Minami disconnected the embrace to take the tall guy’s face in his hands, forcing him into a deep gaze.

“Promise me you won’t try to fight this alone. Never again.”

Makoto sealed the silent promise with a nod and a tenderful kiss.  
When he broke it he had let escape what he hoped might be soothing words for both of them.

“I love you.” he said. Then he gently pulled them apart and left, without sharing a word or a goodbye.

 

\-----------------

 

It took a while for Minami to notice the void which was slowly growing into his chest since his partner’s departure. Actually, he became conscious of it when he lied down on his bed, after an unusually long shower. The place was filled with Makoto’s sent and the shadow of his absence was starting to overflow his body and mind.

Now that he had a taste of the big guy he knew he was addicted for real. And that it would hurt much more than before to force disconnection. But he also knew he must face it soo. The pain. For Makoto's sake. For himself. It was for the best.

They couldn't make it work after all. Even if everything was perfectly set for it. Even if he was genuinely in love with the gentle guy. Even if they both deserved it. It just couldn't work. Not with that shadow from the past, embracing Makoto's mind and body with invisible hands.

Minami didn't know for sure what was the best option for them.

That's why he had to meet Nanase Haruka. He needed to see. He needed to know what was the best.

He wanted Makoto to be happy, to feel complete. Even if it meant the best option wasn't himself.

At this thought, the void in his chest had been suddenly filled with deep frustration and a feeling of unfairness.

These sensations weren't new to Minami. Actually, it felt nostalgic and this statement added profound loneliness to the overwhelming mixture.

The boy had let escape a strangled “Shit!” when his body cracked into shakes. And he cried, as silently as he could, ashamed of his own soreness.


End file.
